I found it hard

… and I don’t know why I let it get harder.

Was walking out of the cemetery where we had our annual family “gathering” to “light candles” for our relatives who’ve passed on, when I read the text fr my choir mistress.

“Pls pray for <her>’s soul as she passed away in a car accident last night.”

“Prayers at her house 8pm, address on facebook.”

“Prayers delayed till after 9.30pm as her body is on the way back to KL. In Seremban now.”

“Funeral in church at 2pm.”


Strangely, it didn’t occur to me to doubt the first msg, not least because it’s not something one pranks about.

We, together w her sister, used to play piano for church in shifts, before they decided to concentrate on their studies. We weren’t close, never did keep in touch after they left the choir, but we were always friendly to each other. Smiles when we meet in church.


Being the coward I am, I didn’t attend the prayers at her house that night.

Instead, for the first time, I searched for her fb page and found that she wasn’t called Agnes as I’ve always thought, and that she actually kept blogs that made for interesting reading.


Mom kept saying that life is so short, that ppl can just leave when God wants them back.

But the hardest part is reading about things like “studying at Mahsa, class of 2014”, “likes this item, birthday coming soon *hint hint*”, and realizing that she wouldn’t graduate, or celebrate a bday, or get a present again, ever.


Being with God is the best thing that could’ve happened to any o us, but it doesn’t make dying any easier.

“Live every day as if it were your last”, but who actually does? We always assume, or pretend, that we’d have many tomorrows and next weeks, even next years, that we’ll come back for a dress when it’s on sale, call up a friend who’s bday is coming soon, finish reading an article. “ReadItLater”, but what is we have no more laters?


We are on loan from God, put here to help someone, to do something in God’s Big Plan.

“Don’t take things for granted” sounds really cliche, but I’ll always remember this friend, who once didn’t arrive on time for the opening hymn of the CNY mass, found third year dentistry hard but enjoyable, and looked forward to decorating her room in their new house.

We all have hopes and expectations, but in the end, we are only just clay in the Potter’s hands.



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